Negotiating Condom Use

Having sex is a shared experience and therefore should be enjoyable for both partners.

Sometimes, one partner will say that they do not want to use condoms.  Having sex without a condom is risky, you may get a sexually transmissible infection (STI) or blood borne virus (BBV), or pregnancy may result.

If you are worried about having sex without a condom, then it is unlikely that you will enjoy having sex, and you may worry afterwards that you could have gotten a BBV, STI or pregnant.

You deserve a partner who wants you to enjoy having sex with them as much as they enjoy having sex with you – not someone who prefers to put you and themselves at risk for just a few minutes of their pleasure!  STIs, BBVs and unplanned pregnancies can affect your life long-term.

Having safer sex by using condoms and water-based lubricant is a way to show that you care and respect yourself and your partner.

In the heat of the moment, it can be hard to know what to say when your partner doesn’t want to use condoms, here are some ideas to help you tell your partner to use condoms:

They say “It doesn’t feel as good with a condom.”

You say “I won’t be comfortable or enjoy it if we don’t use a condom, so let’s use the condom”

OR You say “I will only have sex with a condom” (most people in this situation will prefer sex with a condom than no sex at all!)

Or You say “Let’s wait then.  There are heaps of different types of condoms including thin ones that help you feel more pleasure, it will be fun trying to find the right one to suit us!”

They say “Don’t you trust me?”

You say “I do trust you, but I don’t know what your or my previous partners have done, I’d be more comfortable if I knew we were protecting ourselves and each other.”

They say “I’m on the pill, don’t worry.”

You say “Condoms protect us from other stuff (STIs) as well, and I’d be more comfortable using a condom.”

They Say “I always pull out on time, don’t worry.”

You say “If we use a condom, you don’t have to pull out, it will be way better!”   *Even if they do pull out on time, there is still a risk of STIs/ BBVs and pregnancy because many men release a fluid known as pre-cum, before they ejaculate, which may contain sperm from previous ejaculation.

They say “I can’t stay hard with a condom.”

You say “I won’t relax or have fun without a condom, so I’ll help you stay hard!”

They say “We’ve done it before without a condom.”

You say “I know! I worried about it for ages!”

They say “I thought we loved each other”

You say “When you complain about using condoms it’s upsetting, because I’m just trying to make a safer choice for us both.  It’s not about loving each other it’s about respecting ourselves and respecting each other’s decisions.”